I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
