You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
