mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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