The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
