Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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