True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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