There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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