He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
