Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
