He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
