According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
pop tarts are not kleenex
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
