areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
