thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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