Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
