Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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