I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
