thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
