Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
