Your dad touched me again.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
