Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
