remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
