so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
