Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I want her autograph on my taint
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
