Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
