How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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