oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
