maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
