i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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