I want to have your abortion
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
