Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
