she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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