I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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