I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
