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we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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