I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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