Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
