there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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