At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
