woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
