she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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