I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
