I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
