He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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