Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
