We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
