On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize