your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize