Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
