it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
