Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
