I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
