I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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