my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
