I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
