I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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