theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
