You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
