Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
