I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
