Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
