plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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