So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
