The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
