I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
