i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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