I think im going to throw up on grandma
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
