You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
