I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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