When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
