If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
