I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
