Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
